


A Curve in the Road

by RandomFan2000



Category: Schitt's Creek (TV) RPF
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-13
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-21 04:27:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30016113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RandomFan2000/pseuds/RandomFan2000
Summary: Noah gets a phone call that changes everything.
Relationships: Dan Levy & Clare Lydia Michelle & Noah Reid, Dan Levy/Noah Reid
Kudos: 26





	A Curve in the Road

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!
> 
> I'm new to this whole fanfic thing, but I've been ruminating on this idea for a bit, and it's taken me a while to get it on the page. I haven't written in a while, so I'm sure I'm rusty. 
> 
> I like a good angst fest with a happy ending, so here we are. 
> 
> *edited to add- There are themes in here which might be a trigger to some people. I want to be sensitive to that, so please pop down to the notes at the end of the fic to see if this is something you might want to avoid. 
> 
> Many thanks to those of you who messaged me about this. I’m new to this genre and didn’t think of it, quite honestly.
> 
> All mistakes are my own, etc etc.

It was funny how fast a life could change.

One minute, everything could be fine- days filled with happy, bright moments, and a future to look forward to. And then, without any warning, everything could just fall apart in a quick, brutal twist of fate.

Noah wondered if that’s how it went for most people. If, when their lives capsized, they never saw it coming. Never had any inkling of the storm that was just on the horizon. Were they just minding their own business, blissfully unaware that the life they knew and loved would be taken away from them through no fault of their own? Like his had been?

One minute: Happiness.

The next minute: Despair.

How did people survive that?

He wasn’t sure how he was supposed to survive it.

It had been a crazy year for the whole world. Everything around him was mostly chaotic, but for him, personally, the good definitely outweighed the bad. He was happy in his personal life, and he had professional opportunities most people didn’t, especially in his industry. He was aware of his privilege- hell, there had been enough fans who reminded him of it on a daily basis, but he tried to do as much good as he could behind the scenes and just live his life. People didn’t need to know his business in order to make themselves feel better.

He was happy with his life, and he was lucky that he was comfortable, he knew that. But, maybe he’d gotten just a little bit too cocky about how good things were going for him.

Sometimes he wondered if that’s what did it. Maybe he’d tempted fate somehow. He was _too_ comfortable, so someone up there decided to take him down a peg.

On his worst days, full of cheap beer and regret, he screamed and cursed out loud to whoever or whatever caused all this to happen.

On his best days he worked until he fell over, and then he slept until he had to go back to work again. It was a cycle he was getting used to, and that was almost comforting, in a way. He liked routine. Routine was safe.

It all started with a phone call.

When he was younger and full of confused feelings, he tried to imagine scenarios in which lives could go horribly wrong. In all his dark, doom-filled thoughts, he never once considered a phone call as being a catalyst for the end of a life as he knew it. At least, he never had before. Now, though? Now he was fucking terrified of the phone.

When everything began to fall apart, he’d only been in Albuquerque for a couple of weeks, just barely starting to shoot what looked to be a pretty fun television series. Not life-changing, not like _Schitt’s Creek_ had been, but still a bigger role than he’d have been able to land before his time there. The shooting schedule was about six months long, which with everything going on at home seemed pretty inconvenient, but Clare had insisted he take the role anyway. For their future.

So, he did. And that meant he was thousands of miles away from home, happily playing with a co-star’s new baby when the call came in.

The call that changed everything.

\---

**_January 25 th_ **

Clare’s sister was calling him. That wasn’t unusual, so Noah didn’t think much of it. She was staying with Clare while he was away, so he assumed she wanted to chat about the apartment, or something to do with one of Clare’s appointments.

“Hey, Julia, what’s up?” He tickled the baby and it giggled, legs kicking. He chuckled and sat back, repositioning the phone to hear better.

There was a beat of silence on the other end of the line, and when Julia finally spoke, her voice sounded subdued and a little thick.

“Noah? Can you talk? Is this a good time?”

His stomach dropped. He’d never heard her voice sound like that before, not even after a bad break up.

“Yeah. What’s going on? Is Clare okay?” He stood and shot Josh a quick glance, pointing to his phone and then toward the door. Josh nodded and headed toward the baby, and Noah hurried outside.

“Yeah. Yeah, _she’s_ okay.”

Something in the way Julia emphasized the ‘ _she_ ’ made Noah even more concerned. “Julia. What’s wrong?”

Julia sighed and sniffled. “I wasn’t supposed to call you, but I am anyway. You deserve to know. Clare didn’t want to tell you, since you’re busy working, but I don’t think that’s the right decision. She’s probably going to kill me, but I don’t really care. She’s not in the best place to be making important decisions right now, anyway. You’re her husband. You need to know.”

“What do I need to know?” He was yelling now and he didn’t mean to, but damn it, he was starting to panic. Why did it sound like Julia was crying?

“Fuck. I don’t know how to tell you this, not over the phone anyway. Are you sitting down?”

Noah sank onto the porch, his stomach churning. “I am now. What’s going on?”

“There were complications last night. Clare woke me up by yelling. She’d started bleeding, like a scary amount, and I had to call an ambulance to come get her. I’m at the hospital with her right now.”

“What?” he shouted. “Shit, I’ll try to get on the next flight. Is the baby okay? Is _she_ okay?”

Julia sighed. “See, I knew you’d want to come back, but I don’t think Clare wants you here right now.” She paused. “Look. I don’t know how else to tell you this, so I’m just going to lay it all out. She lost the baby and they couldn’t stop the bleeding. Clare was in real danger, so they had to- well, they had to do an emergency hysterectomy. I’m so sorry, Noah.”

“Wait. What?” he whispered. “What are you even talking about right now? If this is a joke, it’s a really bad one, Julia.”

“It’s not a joke, Noah.” It was the sound of her voice breaking that drove the reality of it all home for him.

“Oh my god. Oh no,” he moaned, the tears already starting to roll down his cheeks. “Oh, fuck. How is she doing?”

“Not well,” Julia sighed.

“I’m getting on the next flight.”

“I figured you would, but what about your job?”

“I’ll sort it out. Josh’s wife just had a baby, I think he’ll understand. I’ll make it work, but I’m coming home. Of course I’m coming home.”

“Okay. She may not be happy about it, though. Just warning you. She doesn’t want you here.”

“Why wouldn’t she want me there?” The quick flash of anger made him feel guilty. This wasn’t about him, not really, but still. That really hurt.

“I don’t know. She’s not making a lot of sense right now. I think she’s still in shock about everything. It all happened so fast.”

“I’ll be there as soon as I can, but maybe—maybe don’t tell her I’m coming.”

\---

**January 26 th**

Noah never had been a big fan of hospitals, which wasn’t the best viewpoint to have when his wife was a nurse. But, they were too sterile and depressing, especially over the last year with the whole pandemic situation. He’d been hoping that the birth of their child would change his opinion by giving him a good memory from inside these walls, but that wasn’t going to happen now. Fuck. It was _never_ going to happen.

The reality of that slammed through him and his steps faltered. He had to grab onto a wall to keep himself upright.

“Sir? Are you okay?”

He looked up to find a nurse watching him with a concerned expression.

“Yeah. Yeah. I’m good. I’m just here to see my wife. Thank you, though.”

She nodded and gave him an encouraging smile, then started back down the hallway.

He headed toward the room number that Julia had texted to him and when he finally reached it, the door was closed. He took a deep, fortifying breath and opened it, stepping inside.

Julia was sitting in a chair near the bed, her eyes on her phone. She glanced up when he entered, bringing her finger to her lips.

His gaze fell onto the bed and he had to suck in a breath of dismay. Clare looked so small, so fragile against the crisp, white sheets. She was asleep, the steady beep of the machines the only sound in the silence.

Julia quickly stood and headed toward the door, pulling him back out into the hallway.

“Hey, you made it.”

“Yeah. H-How is she?”

Julia shrugged. “As well as can be expected. How long can you stay?”

He winced. “Josh gave me two weeks. I’m sure I can push that out longer if I need to. He feels really bad for us.”

Julia nodded. “They might release her tomorrow. She’s recovering well from the surgery. Physically, at least.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Julia sighed and her eyes watered. “She’s pretty upset.”

“Well, yeah. So am I!”

“I know that. Just- just don’t expect too much from her, okay?”

“Okay? What aren’t you telling me?”

She shook her head. “I don’t even know. Maybe things will change once she sees you. I’m gonna go to the cafeteria and give you guys some time, okay? Text me if you need me.” She squeezed his shoulder, gave him a small, sad smile, and headed down the hallway.

Noah turned and stared at the door again, even more nervous than he’d been initially, and re-entered the room.

Clare’s eyes opened at the creak of the door and widened when she saw him. She winced and struggled to sit up, and Noah was at the side of the bed in a couple of steps, reaching for her.

She held up a hand and shook her head. “No. Don’t. Just- _don’t_.”

He froze, his arm hovering in the air above her. “Okay? What do you need?”

“For you to go back to New Mexico.” She sounded annoyed and somewhat pissed.

The quick flash of anger returned and he stamped it down. “Well, that’s not happening right now. I’m here, but I don’t understand why you don’t want me to be.”

She closed her eyes and blew out a frustrated breath. “You have a job. You don’t need to drop everything for me.”

“Of course I do!”

She shook her head. “No. You don’t. This job is a big deal. You can’t risk it by blowing it off.”

“ _This_ is a big deal!” He gestured to her and the hospital room. “I’m not blowing anything off. You’re more important.”

“I’ll be fine.”

“Well, what if _I’m_ not fine.”

A flash of pain crossed her features, the first real sign of true emotion he’d seen from her, but it was gone almost as quick. “I don’t know what you expect me to do about that. I can’t control how you feel.”

He stepped back from the bed in shock. “Clare.”

She shook her head. “They say I’m healing like they expect and I should be good to go home tomorrow. Julia can take care of me until I can do things on my own. The downtime for a hysterectomy is anywhere from six weeks to two months, so you can hardly drop everything to worry about whether or not I can get myself a glass of water. Julia’s got it, you don’t need to be here.”

“I _want_ to be here. We just lost—”

“ _We_ didn’t lose anything, Noah. I did. And that’s something I need to work through by myself. I don’t need you here with your big, sad eyes making me feel worse about it. Just go back to work.”

“Clare.”

She shook her head and closed her eyes, her lips trembling. “I really, really can’t deal with you being here right now. Please, just go. I’ll let you know when I want to talk about this, but it’s definitely not right now.”

“We need to talk about it, though. This is just as hard for me,” he protested.

“I know it is!” she shouted. “And that’s why I can’t talk to you about it. I can’t. Not right now. It’s too- it’s too much. Please just respect that and give me some space.”

He nodded, his eyes burning, and stepped back from the bed even more. “Okay. But, I’m not going back to work. I’ll give you space, but I have two weeks off and I’m staying in Toronto for them. If you don’t want me at the house, I’ll go stay at my parent’s apartment, or something, but I’m not going back to the states. Not yet. When you want to talk, I’ll be here.”

She sighed. “Fine. Can you send Julia back in on your way out?”

He watched her for a second, but she wouldn’t meet his gaze.

It went against every fibre of his being to walk away from her and out the door, but he did as she asked.

He texted Julia, left the hospital, and cried all the way back to his parent’s apartment.

\---

**_February 1 st_ **

She still wouldn’t talk to him.

His parents offered to come back from the lake to stay with him in Toronto, but he turned them down. It did him some good to be alone and think about things, anyway.

No one but Julia and Clare knew he was in town, and Julia let him know that Clare hadn’t told anyone about what had happened yet. That meant he couldn’t really meet up with anyone. It would involve explaining why he wasn’t busy on a set, thousands of miles away.

So, he’d spent a lot of time alone in the last week, sending text after text to Clare that was read but ignored. He finally reached a breaking point, threw on a jacket, and grabbed an Uber. There was one person who was still in town who he trusted to keep his mouth shut. Noah needed to talk to someone, and fuck it. He was going to talk to a friend.

The Uber dropped him off in front of a building that was all shiny windows and brick. This neighbourhood was so old money, and it used to make Noah laugh every time he visited here, joking about how he felt he needed a smoking jacket just to stand on the corner.

Now he was in jeans and a wrinkled hoodie and he didn’t even care. He just needed someone else nearby. Someone he could sit in silence with if the words wouldn’t come. There was some comfort in that.

The elevator ride to the penthouse was long, and by the time he made it, he’d started to second guess even being there. But, then the doors opened, depositing him into the short hallway, and he sighed and headed toward the familiar door.

He knocked, heard a dog bark and the click of nails on the floor as it headed toward the door. A soft, murmuring voice ordered the dog to stop barking and there was a brief pause before the door opened and Dan stood looking at him, surprise etched on his face.

“Noah? What are you doing here? I thought you were filming.”

“I was. It’s a long story. Can I come in?”

Dan stood back and waved him in, and Noah paused to scratch Red for a minute before straightening and offering Dan what he knew was probably a pretty pathetic excuse for a smile.

Dan’s expression grew immediately concerned. “You didn’t get fired, did you?”

Noah chuckled and shook his head. “No. I go back in a week. I have two weeks off.”

“You’ve been here a week and I’m just now hearing about it? What’s going on? You look like shit, by the way. Have you slept at all? Because you don’t look like you have.”

“Wow, don’t hold back on my account,” Noah murmured, staring into the kitchen. “Please tell me you have some alcohol? My parents house is now dry, and I haven’t felt like going to the store.”

“Your parent’s—?” Dan shook his head and frowned. “Okay, this feels like a larger conversation. I have wine and a lot of hard alcohol. I do not have any of your disgusting, low-rent beer, however.”

“No wine. I’m very tired of wine. I’ll take whatever mixed drinks you can make me, though.”

Dan stared at him for a second and nodded. “Go sit down. I’ll bring you something.”

Noah headed toward the couch and plopped down, Red immediately jumping up next to him to curl up next to his hip.

“Hey there, buddy. You look like you might want a belly rub, huh?”

Red immediately rolled over, and Noah had to smile, running his fingers though all that soft fur. Maybe one of these days he’d get a dog. They seemed like a good way to release stress, and god knew he was full of enough stress to last a lifetime lately.

Dan returned pretty quickly, shimmying his shoulders in the way he did sometimes, right before handing Noah the tumbler. “Ooh la la, one perfect Negroni, hand delivered.”

Noah smiled and took a sip, closing his eyes to enjoy the flavour. “You’ve gotten really good at making these.”

“Thanks! I’ve had a lot of time to get it right.”

“Mmhmm. When do you go back to LA?”

“Next month, finally. I’m still a little anxious about it, but it will be good to be home. Are you still planning on staying with me? Everything still on schedule for the sound stage stuff?”

“Yeah, I think so. I hope so, anyway. Josh has a plan for keeping everything safe.”

“Okay, good. I don’t start any production work until May, so the house should be a safe little bubble for you while you’re there. I don’t plan on going anywhere until I have to.” He paused and cocked his head. “Now do you want to tell me why you’re really here? What’s going on?”

Noah took a long look at him, another small sip of the drink, set it down on the coffee table in front of them, and then burst into tears.

“Whoa. Oh my god. What’s going on?” Dan sounded mystified and a little frantic, his hands patting across Noah’s shoulder and back, somehow both hesitant and frenetic.

“I-I’m sorry,” Noah gasped. “I didn’t mean to start crying.”

“No one _means_ to start crying, not unless they’re a sociopath.” The patting calmed a little, turning into soft circles that started to sooth Noah into some semblance of calm. “Tell me what happened. I mean, if you want to? You don’t have to if you don’t want.”

“I want,” Noah said, wiping at his eyes. “I need to talk to someone, and you’re the only person I really trust. Or wanted to talk to, I guess.”

“Okay?” Dan watched him, his expression a combination of concerned and pleased. Noah never really understood how Dan’s face could pull off so many expressions at the same time, but it was pretty endearing.

“I’m on emergency family leave, which seems wasted, since I haven’t spent any time with my family since I’ve been here.”

“I don’t understand. Are you and Clare having problems?”

Noah shook his head and then nodded. “Yes and no. It’s not that simple.”

“It never is,” Dan sighed. “What happened? I haven’t heard from her in a while. I’ve texted random things when I’m bored, but she hasn’t answered.”

“She won’t. She hasn’t answered mine, either, and I’m her husband.” He tried to laugh and wiped at his eyes with the back of his hand.

Dan chewed on his lip. “What happened?” he asked, his voice hesitant. “Is there someone else? Did one of you—?”

“Oh, god no. I think that would be easier, though. Make more sense, anyway.”

“Okay? You’ve gotta help me out here. I’m going to need more to work with.”

“She lost the baby,” Noah said, then shook his head. “No. That’s not right. That makes it sound like it’s her fault. Like she’s to blame somehow. Why do people say that? I’ve never really thought about it before now, but yeah. That’s really fucked up. She didn’t lose it. It just. Died.”

Dan’s eyes went huge and stricken. “What?” he whispered. “Oh my god.”

Noah nodded. “Yeah. And, if that wasn’t bad enough, there were complications and they couldn’t stop her bleeding, so they had to do a hysterectomy. Or else, I guess she could have died, too. That’s what Julia told me, anyway. I don’t know all the details because I was a thousand miles away when it all happened.”

“Oh my god. Noah! Oh fuck. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Noah whispered.

“No it’s not! Nothing about this is okay. But, I don’t understand why she’s not talking to you? Shouldn’t you guys be dealing with this together?”

“That’s what I thought. It’s why I came back. But she told me to leave the hospital room the minute she saw me, and has refused to talk to me since.”

Dan’s eyebrows drew together. “That doesn’t make any sense? Why would she do that?”

“I don’t know. Julia is trying to keep me updated, but mostly it sounds like she’s sleeping a lot right now.”

“I-I don’t know what to say,” Dan said, his voice a little weak.

“Yeah, me either. You don’t have to say anything. Mostly I just wanted to be near someone. I’ve been alone for the last week, and I don’t know if this is a circumstance where I should really be?”

“No. You shouldn’t be.” Dan sounded fierce and a little pissed. “We don’t have to talk about it, not if you don’t want. We can just sit here and watch bad television. It’s what I was going to do anyway.”

“That sounds good, thanks.” Noah wiped his eyes and scooted back on the couch. “What are we going to watch?”

“ _Below Deck-Mediterranean_.”

“Haven’t you already seen this?”

“Yes, but it deserves many re-watches. You’ll see.”

Noah chuckled and took another sip of his Negroni. He already felt a little better, just being here.

“Thank you,” he finally murmured, three episodes later.

Dan paused the show and turned to face him. “For what?”

“For always being there when I need you.”

Dan shrugged and offered him a small smile. “That’s what friends are for, right?”

“I know. But, I haven’t always been the best one. I know I’ve done things to hurt you.”

Dan waved his hand. “Don’t worry about it. We’ll always be friends, Noah. And in situations like this, if you can’t come to me, then I’ve done something wrong somewhere along the line.”

“You haven’t ever done anything wrong,” Noah protested. “Not once. Not even when I was being an asshole to you.”

Dan smiled, his expression going a little bitchy. “Yes, well. I won’t argue that.”

Noah laughed and held out his tumbler. “Think you can make me another Negroni?”

Dan eyed him a second. “Did you drive here?”

“Nope. I took an Uber.”

“Well, I’m not sending you back to an empty apartment when you’re shitfaced. If I make you another drink, you’re staying here. I got two guest rooms you can choose from.”

“That works. Thank you.”

Dan grabbed the tumbler and stood. He paused, staring down at Noah, his expression going contemplative.

“What?” Noah asked, laughing slightly. It felt good to be able to laugh.

“You’re here another week?”

“Yeah. My flight back is on Sunday.”

Dan nodded. “Then you’re staying here. You’re not spending the week alone. Not right now.”

Noah nodded, so grateful he almost started crying again. “Okay. Thank you,” he whispered.

“Don’t mention it.”

Dan headed into the kitchen and Noah stared at the paused television screen until he came back, full tumbler in hand.

Noah took it from him, flashed him what he hoped was a grateful smile, and stared at the red liquid for a minute before he glanced up at Dan again.

“Dan?”

“Yeah?”

“What if she doesn’t ever want to talk to me again?”

Dan’s eyes went soft and a little liquidy. “She will, Noah. She will.”

\---

**_February 14 th_ **

He drank through Valentine’s Day, alone in New Mexico.

Clare sent him a text, thanking him for the flowers.

That was something at least.

\---

**_March 15 th _ **

Noah had mixed feelings about Vegas. He’d been here a few times with Dan and the cast for a few _Schitt’s Creek_ UCP’s and events, but being here for work was something else entirely. He couldn’t get drunk as much as he wanted, and he really didn’t want to lose money in casinos by playing slots by himself like some kind of creep.

They’d finished their shoots in New Mexico and were going to stay in Vegas for a couple more weeks. Once they were done here, they’d finally head back to LA for sound stage work. Dan had been back at his house for a couple weeks and Noah was looking forward to hanging out with him again. Maybe things would finally start to feel less out of control than they had been lately.

Work had been busy enough that he was able to stay out of his head a little, but once he got back to the hotel, he really started to overthink things. He’d had a few phone and text conversations with Clare, but they felt impersonal and weird. Julia kept him up-to-date on things, but even the conversations with her had gotten awkward. Something was up, but he wasn’t sure what it could be, and he honestly was starting to spiral about it.

One good thing he’d learned was that she’d started therapy, and Julia said that seemed to be going well. Clare was less depressed and had started to go out and do things again. She’d had conversations with her friends about what had happened, and that seemed to be helping. He was glad for that. He only wished her conversations with him were as fruitful.

He sent her a quick text, saying goodnight, and had just settled down to go to sleep when his phone rang.

“Hey! You didn’t have to call,” he said, surprised and happy for once.

“I know I didn’t. I figured I should, though.” She didn’t sound as happy as he felt, but at least she called.

“Well, I’m glad you did.”

“Yeah.” She sighed and there was an awkward silence before she spoke again. “So, how’s the shoot going?”

“Pretty good. I’ll be glad to get out of Vegas and be in LA again.”

She laughed, and he’d forgotten how much he’d missed that sound. “You hate LA.”

“Eh, it’s grown on me.”

“Are you still going to stay with Dan while you’re there?”

“Yeah, that’s the plan. It’ll be nice to not have to stay in a hotel. I’m getting tired of them.”

“Yeah, I bet.”

There was another long silence. “H-How are you doing?” he asked, wincing a little. He wasn’t entirely sure if it was the right time to ask.

“I’m okay. Been thinking of exploring some new hobbies.”

“Yeah? That’s great! Like what?”

“Well, today the doctor cleared me for normal activities, so I’m not sure yet. I just want to do _something_ new, you know? I need to find something to get my mind off things. Personal growth and all that. My therapist thinks it’s a good idea.”

“It is. I didn’t know you were cleared today. That’s- that’s great.”

“Yeah. Anyway, I just called to say goodnight. Have a good day at work tomorrow.”

“Okay, I will.” He glanced up at the ceiling and took a chance. “Hey, I love you.”

She was silent for a second, and when she spoke, her voice was smaller than before. “Yeah. Me too.”

Then the phone went silent and Noah realized she’d hung up without saying goodbye.

\---

**_April 2 nd_ **

LA was sunny and already too hot, but Noah was so glad to finally be out of Vegas. It was definitely not meant to be a place to hang out by yourself.

He pulled the rental up to Dan’s house and hopped out, grabbing his luggage and opening the gate at the bottom of the steps, then climbing his way to the front door. The door flung open and Dan stood there, grinning at him.

Noah inspected him and laughed. “Hi. Did you just have a Zoom interview, or something?”

Dan frowned. “No? Why?”

“You’re all coiffed.” He gestured to Dan’s entire being. “Pretty fancy for a night at home.”

Dan shrugged. “Well, I knew you were coming, so I thought I’d make an effort.” He gestured to the suitcases. “You need any help?”

“Nah, I got it. Where you putting me?”

“Guest house. I even stocked your fridge, in case you want a quiet dinner alone, or something.”

Noah shook his head. “You didn’t have to do that, but thank you. And no. I’m tired of quiet dinners alone. I’ve had months of them. I’m looking forward to bad television and better food with you.”

Dan smiled, looking pleased. “Well, I’ll order something for delivery. You go get settled in.”

“You’re not cooking for me?” Noah asked, laughing. “I’m hurt.”

“That stage of the pandemic passed quickly, thank god. You don’t want my charred salmon, trust me. Go get unpacked, I’ll be in the kitchen.”

Noah laughed and headed toward the guest apartment above the garage. It was a cute little space, previously inhabited by Stacey, but she was busy working in Vancouver at the moment. Dan had also been alone lately, so Noah hoped he was looking forward to talking to a human as much as Noah was.

Once he was unpacked he headed into the kitchen. Dan had already pulled out various bottles of alcohol and mixers, lining them up on the island. He gestured to everything when Noah entered. “Smorgasbord.”

“Wow. Is this all for me?” Noah teased.

Dan grinned and handed him a glass. “I figured you could use the relaxation.”

“You have no idea. What did you order for dinner?”

“Pasta. Should be here in about an hour. You want to go watch some television, or do you want to talk?”

Noah considered it. “Both?”

Dan nodded, still smiling. “I’ll put on something boring.”

Later, as they sat with the demolished bowls of food in front of them, quietly sipping their drinks and watching some house hunting thing, Noah turned to Dan and sighed.

“I think maybe my marriage isn’t going to survive this.”

Dan’s eyes went round and he paused the show, turning to face Noah. “What?’

Noah shrugged. “We barely talk. I’m getting used to not talking to her, and she’s definitely not making an effort to talk to me. She’s been really busy with this whole hiking hobby she’s been focused on. She says it makes her feel like she’s accomplishing something for herself. Julia tells me she’s been kicking around the idea of hiking the Pacific Crest Trail. To challenge herself. She’s been training pretty hard for it.”

Dan frowned. “Julia told you that, but not Clare?”

Noah nodded. “That’s been the usual way of things. I talk more to my sister in law than my wife.”

Dan’s frown grew larger. “Isn’t the Pacific Coast Trail the one that Reese hiked in that movie?”

Noah laughed. “Yeah, that’s the one.”

“Um. That’s really long. Doesn’t it take like months to hike that thing?”

“Yeah, around five or six. Depending on how good you are. At least if you want to do the whole thing. Which, I guess she does. Julia says she’s thinking of starting out next month. They’ve already started packing the care packages that need to be mailed to her along the way.”

“But, you’re supposed to go back home in June. She’s planning to go hike for six months right before you’re due back from being away for six months?”

Noah nodded. “Yeah. Seems like.”

Dan went very quiet for a minute. “Oh.”

Noah nodded. “Yeah. Oh.”

They didn’t have much to say after that.

\---

**_April 15 th_ **

Noah was out back by the pool, watching Dan skim the bugs out of the water. It was a peaceful way to spend his day off from shooting. The sun was shining but it wasn’t too hot yet, and he was letting his breakfast digest before he went for a swim.

Also, the moths and water skippers needed to be removed before he jumped in because to do anything else would be “incorrect.” Noah laughed to himself and drank another sip of water. Dan had made it about halfway down the length of the pool, so it would be at least another fifteen minutes before he’d be allowed in the officially bug-free water.

“You sure I can’t help?” he yelled.

“I’m good!” Dan yelled back. “You know I have a process.”

Noah grinned and leaned back against the chair. There were definitely worse ways to spend a Thursday.

\---

**_April 23 rd– 11:00 a.m._ **

“Noah, I’m so sorry.” Julia’s voice was sad, laced with a little bit of frantic energy that Noah didn’t like to hear.

“For what? What’s going on?”

She paused. “Are you home?” Another pause. “I mean, not home. But at Dan’s? Or are you working today?”

“I’m off. I have a three-day weekend.”

“Is he there with you?”

“Not currently. He had to go to a photo shoot for- something. I can’t remember what. Something to do with clothes.”

“Oh. Is he back soon?”

“I have no idea. I think those things take a little bit. He was gone before I woke up today, though. Why the twenty questions about Dan? What’s going on?”

She sighed. “Don’t leave the house, okay? You need to be there today.”

“Oh-kay? Why? Julia, what aren’t you telling me? You’re starting to worry me.”

She let out a low sigh. “Just don’t go anywhere. You’ll know soon enough.”

Noah pulled the phone back to stare at it, then put it back to his ear. “Julia. Just tell me.”

“I can’t. I promised not to. You can call me later though, if you want to talk.”

“You’re scaring me.”

“Sorry, that wasn’t my intention.” She paused. “You know I love you, right? I mean, not _love_ love, obviously, but you’re my family. You’ll always be my family.”

“Of course I will be,” Noah answered, mystified, then froze. “Wait. I _always_ will be? Why does that sound so—”

The doorbell echoed through the house, making him jump. “Shit. There’s someone at the door. Hold on a sec.”

“No, I’m gonna hang up. You can call me later, if you want.”

The phone went dead before Noah could protest.

Noah stared at it in confusion before the doorbell rang again. Groaning, he shoved it in his pocket and headed toward the door. If a stupid salesperson just interrupted what sounded like a really important conversation, he was going to be pissed.

Flinging open the door, he stumbled back, shocked.

“Clare?”

She smiled at him, but it looked strained. “Hi Noah.”

“Oh my god! I didn’t know you were coming. I mean, of course I didn’t know you were coming. Come in! Where’s your luggage?” He glanced around her feet, but there wasn’t anything. “Still in the car?” He moved forward to hug her, but she stepped back and shook her head.

“No, I don’t have any luggage. I just came to talk.” She peered into the foyer. “Is Dan home?”

“No, he’s out,” Noah said, frowning. “You came all the way to LA to talk, but you aren’t staying?” His stomach sank, but he didn’t make another move to touch her, even though he really wanted to.

She walked inside and shrugged, hiking her purse higher onto her shoulder. “Can we sit somewhere?”

“Yeah. Follow me.”

He led her into the room where he and Dan usually spent most nights watching television and stopped short, staring at the couch. “Um, actually. Let’s go sit in the living room. There are probably leftover chips on this couch, or something.”

That wasn’t true. Dan was fastidious about picking up after their late night snack and TV sessions. Noah just had a bad feeling about this conversation and he didn’t want to ruin the vibe in a space where he’d actually felt happy for the last month.

She followed him quietly to the “formal” living room, a warm space filled with wooden bookshelves and photographs. He and Dan never really spent much time hanging out in here together, but sometimes Noah played Dan’s keyboard, set up over in the corner. It wasn’t like having a real piano at his disposal, but it was something.

He liked this space. Actually, there wasn’t any room in this house he didn’t like, so he didn’t have a lot of options for what felt like the kind of ambiance needed to have a really horrible conversation.

He sighed and sank onto the couch, patting the cushion next to him, already resigned to whatever came next. “I’m not going to like this, am I?”

She chewed on her lip and sat. “Probably not.”

“Okay. Then don’t hold back. Just put it all out there. Rip the band-aid off.”

She nodded and slipped her purse off her shoulder, opening it and pulling out a large manila envelope. She stared at it a minute, then handed it to Noah. “Here. I need you to do this.”

He looked down at it, confused. “What is this?”

“Just read it.”

He nodded and opened the seal, pulling out a stack of paperwork. Once he started to read, all the breath left his body. He felt like he’d been punched.

“Clare. No.”

She sighed. “Yes. I need this, okay? This—this isn’t working anymore. You know that. I know that. Everyone around us knows that. Too much has happened, and I’m not the same person. I don’t think you’re the same person, either.”

“Yes I am,” he protested, blinking back tears. “I’ve just been giving you space. I thought you needed space.”

“I did. I do.” She sighed again and pushed her hair back from her face. “I don’t know how to explain this in a way that doesn’t sound selfish.”

“Then just explain it, no matter how it sounds.”

“Fine. Okay. Look, I had a plan for our lives together. Pretty much since we met. I had this vision of how things would be—house, marriage, kids. Happy life full of noise.” Her voice broke on the last word and she shook her head as if to clear it. “Anyway, I drug you along in that vision, and I’m pretty sure I made you think it was your vision, too.”

“You didn’t make me think anything. I wanted all that, too.”

She smiled at him, but it just looked sad. “I don’t know. I think you convinced yourself you did, anyway, but that’s beside the point.”

“What’s the point?”

“The point is that my vision crashed and burned in a pretty spectacular way, didn’t it? There won’t be any kids. No happy, nuclear family, not ever. Just us, living in silence because we can’t talk to each other anymore.”

“I’ve wanted to talk,” Noah protested. “You haven’t.”

She nodded. “I know. I’ve been giving things a lot of thought. I’ve talked to my therapist, I’ve talked to my friends, my family, everyone. I wanted to make sure I’m making the right decision, and I think I am. Finally. For me. And I guess that’s selfish, but I think I’ve kind-of earned the right to be selfish. Life is short. We should all live it in the way that makes us the happiest, not just the way that’s expected of us.”

“You’re not happy with me?” he whispered.

She shook her head. “Not in the way I was. Not anymore. I can’t be happy in that way because that way doesn’t exist anymore. That path has come to an abrupt end.” She sighed and looked up at the ceiling. “And, if that vision of what I wanted isn’t possible anymore, then I needed to think of a new vision. That’s what I’ve been doing. Trying to figure out what would make me happy now that everything has changed. And, I guess I realized that this isn’t it. You and me, it can’t make me happy anymore because it just makes me sad. It reminds me of everything we lost and everything I wanted that I can’t have. It just doesn’t work anymore.”

“We can go to therapy together. We can work on it, Clare. We could still have a family. There are kids out there that need adopting. Or we could do a surrogate.”

Her eyes flashed and she shook her head. “No. That’s not. No. I don’t want that. I just told you. I have given this a lot of thought, and what I wanted when I met you isn’t what I want now. I was a kid, Noah. I had these big, golden dreams, thought up in my little kid brain. Things change once you get older. Circumstances change. People change. The things I wanted then aren’t what I want now. Now, I just want to focus on me. I can’t focus on me if I’m focusing on us. We’re never going to be what we were. It’s impossible. Not after all this.”

“But—”

She shook her head. “No. There’s a reason most people get divorced after a kid dies. I mean, I realize this isn’t exactly the same, but it feels like it. For me. It’s like, not only did the baby die, but so did all our future babies, and that is so heavy, Noah. It’s too heavy. I can’t look at you every day and see everything I’ve lost. Everything I’ve taken from you.”

“You haven’t taken anything. It wasn’t your fault. But this,” he said, waving the papers. “This would be you taking something from me.”

She winced. “I know. But, I have to. Please just sign them, Noah? If you ever loved me at all, if you still love me, then please. Do this for me. It’s the only way I’m gonna survive all this.”

He stared at her, heartbroken. “I do still love you.”

She nodded, slowly and sadly. “I know. But, you’ll get over it. I still love you, but not in the way I should. Even before all this happened, you know how we were. We were comfortable, zooming along in the little path we’d made for ourselves, but it wasn’t- I don’t know. It wasn’t _everything_. Once you step away from this a little, you’ll see what I mean, and you’ll know I’m right.” She patted his hand. “I want you to find your everything, Noah, and that’s not me.”

“Have you? Have you found your _everything_? Is that what this is about?”

She looked offended for a second, but the expression smoothed out to something calmer. “God, no. I’m nowhere ready for that. I’m here in LA because I’m headed down south to start the PCT next week. I figured the hike will help me sort out things in my head and then I can decide what I want to do with my life.” She pointed at the papers. “But, this needs to be taken care of first. I’ve already signed them, I just need you to do the same. They can be filed and formalized while I’m away. I’m not asking for anything. I’m not contesting anything. Everything we went in with, we keep, everything that’s joint can be split 50/50. You can have the apartment. I don’t know that I want to be there anymore. Julia and I were talking about finding our own place once I’m back.”

“Clare.” He tried to say more, but his voice broke.

She shot him a sad smile. “I was fair, in those. I’m not trying to screw you over. But, I really need you to sign them. There are two copies. You can keep one. I’ll give you time to read them, but I need them back by tomorrow. I want to mail them as soon as possible. I’m staying at the Marriott downtown. Just text me and I’ll meet you for coffee, or something.” She stood and smoothed her hands down her jeans. “I’m gonna go, okay?”

He nodded, still staring at the papers, so focused on them that he didn’t even hear her leave.

\---

**_April 23 rd– 5 p.m._ **

“Hey, I’m back! Have you ordered dinner, or do you want me to?”

Dan’s voice broke through the silence and Noah looked up from his space on the couch to find Dan standing in the doorway.

“Oh, heyyyy,” he drawled, waving clumsily. “I’m not hungry. Drank my dinner.”

Dan frowned. “I _see_ that. What’s going on? It’s a little early for that, don’t you think?”

Noah shook his head. “No, noon was too early, but I did it then anyway.” He studied Dan. “You look very nice.”

Dan flushed slightly and shook his head, walking into the room to sit down next to him on the couch. “And you’re drunk. You started drinking at noon? Why?”

Noah reached for the envelope, nearly spilling a beer onto it. “Shit. That wouldn’t be good.” He handed it to Dan and nodded. “Open it. You’ll see why.”

Dan’s eyebrows drew together and his forehead wrinkled in that way it did when he was confused about something. Or thinking really hard. “What’s this?”

“Just read,” Noah ordered, downing another swig of beer.

“Okay?” Dan pulled out the papers and started to read, his eyes darting back and forth behind his glasses. “Oh! Oh, holy shit.”

“Yep,” Noah agreed. “She came by while you were away, and we had a whole _conversation_.”

“Clare was here?” Dan looked up, clearly surprised.

“She was. She brought these with her. She wants them back tomorrow. Have to meet her for coffee. She wants to get them sent off ASAP. Before she leaves for her long-ass hike next week.”

“She’s still doing that?”

“Appears so. Looks like I’m gonna be a single man soon.”

Dan sighed. “Fuck. I’m so sorry.”

“Me too, but what are ya’ gonna do?” He shrugged and nodded at the papers. “Can you read them? You’re better at all this legal paperwork stuff than I am. You’re smarter, at any rate.”

“I’m hardly smarter, Noah. You know I sucked in school. I’m just used to contracts.”

“You’re smarter than you give yourself credit for,” Noah murmured. “Can you just read them and tell me I’m not getting screwed in this?”

“Are you going to sign?”

Noah nodded. “Yes. It’s the least I can do.”

Dan sighed and sat back on the couch, his head already buried in the pages. Noah watched him a second and took another drink of beer.

“Thank you,” he whispered. “For helping. For always being my friend first.”

Dan glanced up, his eye wide and surprised. “Of course.”

He didn’t say anything else, but Noah didn’t need him to. Instead, Noah closed his eyes and leaned back against the couch, the headache already forming behind his eyes.

He was going to feel like complete shit tomorrow, which was completely fitting for the beginning of the end of his life as he knew it.

\---

**_May 5 th_ **

Noah was headed to Alberta in a week.

The divorce papers were already signed and sent off, Clare was a couple days into her long trek somewhere in the California desert, and Noah had completely thrown himself into work to not think about how and where things had gone so horribly wrong.

He wanted to drink when he got back to the house after work, but Dan had put the pause on that. Since Noah didn’t want to disrespect Dan in his own house, he’d had a very dry, very miserable week. He didn’t dare complain about it to Dan, though. Not when he’d let him stay there for the last month and helped him get through what was arguably the worst time in his life.

So, he’d stayed sober, watched a lot of bad (and sometimes good) television, and spent more time talking to Dan, sometimes very late into the night. For as close as they’d been over the past few years, this last month had really solidified their friendship. For as solid as it was, the last week had made it even stronger- deeper somehow. They’d talked _a lot_. About everything. Well, _almost_ everything.

It helped. More than the booze had been helping, which was saying something. Noah’s head started to feel clearer and things he’d buried for most of his life were starting to make their way to the surface. Which, ironically, just made him want to drink again. He just had to get through one more week, and then he’d be back in Canada, and maybe he could clear his head even more. It was tough, trying to sort everything out. It was tough, but being here helped. He only hoped that he kept it up once he was by himself.

He groaned and headed into the main house. Dan wasn’t anywhere that he could see, but Noah heard Red bark somewhere outside, and so he headed toward the back yard.

Dan was swimming the length of the pool, his long limbs stretching as he shot through the water. Noah watched for a minute with a combination of jealousy and admiration at war inside him. Jealousy because he’d never have that kind of graceful beauty, and admiration for the same reasons.

He laughed and shook his head, settling down on a lawn chair and petting Red as he waited for Dan to finish swimming.

Dan eventually popped out of the water and made his way over to Noah, water cascading down his body as he grabbed for a towel. “Hey,” he said breathlessly. “I was wondering when you’d get up.”

“It’s still early.”

“Yep. I figured I should get a swim in before it gets too hot.” He raised an eyebrow as his gaze passed over Noah. “How you doing this morning?”

Noah shrugged. “I’m okay.”

“ _Are_ you, though? Last night was heavy.”

It had been. They’d talked at length about hopes, dreams, and everything that had gone wrong to keep them from happening. The night had ended on a hopeful note, of things he looked forward to now that everything was different, but the conversation had still taken a lot out of him.

Dan seemed to be faring better, but maybe that was because he already had himself figured out? For the most part, anyway. He’d been through all the heavy shit far earlier in life than Noah had. Noah’s life had been pretty charmed up until these last few months. He was still learning how to deal with _Very Bad Things_ **TM**. Dan had already had his fill of them through the years. His skin was thicker.

“I’m okay,” Noah repeated. “It helps, being here. Ask me in a week, when I’m back to being by myself in a sad hotel in Alberta.”

“Well, I’m just a phone call away if you need me.”

“Yeah, I’m sure I’ll take you up on that.” He sighed and flopped back on the chair. “I’ll miss this, though. I’ll miss you.”

Dan nodded. “Yeah, I’ll miss you too. But, you’re always welcome to come back once you stop filming.”

“LA County in July? Do I have a death wish?”

Dan laughed and dropped to the lawn chair next to him. “Or, maybe I’ll come up to Toronto.”

“That sounds much nicer. Won’t you be working on something, though?”

“I can always work remote. God knows I’ve gotten that figured out this year.”

“No shit.”

They fell into silence, watching the palm trees sway in the wind and soaking up the sun.

Noah pondered if he’d ever felt so peaceful sitting in silence with anyone, especially considering it was with someone who usually never stopped moving. Then, he pushed the thought out of his head and continued to watch the breeze move through the trees.

\---

**_May 14 th_ **

Noah was drunk.

He didn’t plan to be, and he knew Dan was going to be pissed. It was just that Dan had been gone all day at some work thing with the studio, and Noah was due to fly out the next morning. He didn’t want to leave and he’d been bored all day without Dan around. It had been the first time since the whole divorce paper incident that Dan had left him alone in the house, but he needed to start his actual job.

Noah understood and didn’t blame Dan at all, but it still sucked being alone after so much time not being alone. So, he found a bottle of vodka and demolished it. His self control wasn’t the best when he was sad and unsettled. Dan was absolutely going to kill him and he totally deserved it.

Groaning, he flopped down on his bed and stared up at the ceiling, his brain whirring a million miles a minute.

He’d thought a lot about things in the last month, but especially in the last couple of weeks. There was a lot to unpack, but he was more comfortable with it than he had been previously in his life. Maybe it was true, what they said. That you had to burn down your life to build it back up into something you actually wanted. Something you were proud of. Something that meant something.

Not that he’d ever be brave enough to do that, but it was a nice thought, all the same. He closed his eyes and thought long and hard about being brave. Imagined what it might be like to just not care what people thought, or how it might affect his life.

He fell asleep imagining that.

When he woke up, Dan was gently shaking his shoulders. “Noah? Can you sit up for me?”

Noah blinked into the bright light of the room and hissed. “Fuck. Can you turn off the light?”

“Mmm, yep,” Dan said, his tone a little annoyed. “How much did you have to drink?”

“Just some vodka,” Noah murmured, already ashamed.

“Yeah, I can smell it was more than _just some_.”

“Okay, a bottle of vodka,” Noah admitted.

“Noah!” Dan cried. “You were doing so good.”

“You weren’t here. I got lonely.”

Dan sighed and sat on the edge of the bed, his eyebrows drawing together. “I’m not going to be around once you leave. Am I going to have to worry that you’re going to get blackout drunk every night in Alberta? How are you supposed to ride a horse without killing yourself?”

“Will you worry?”

“Of course I’ll worry! I thought we’d got you past this.”

Noah shrugged and watched Dan’s face. “I tried. But, I got to thinking about things today.”

“What things?”

“Things I haven’t talked to you about.”

The eyebrows drew closer together. “Okay? What haven’t we talked about. I thought we’d gotten pretty deep into stuff.”

“No, we have. Just not _one_ thing. It’s not something I’ve ever really admitted to anyone.”

“Okay? You’re going to have to help me out here. But, is this something you’re going to regret telling me once you’re sober? Because if it is, you probably should wait and think it through. I’m not going anywhere. You can tell me any time.”

“I’m sure I could. But, telling you and showing you are two different things, and I can’t show you if I’m a thousand miles away.”

Dan frowned. “Um. Alright? Should I be scared?”

Noah shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe. God knows I am.”

Dan drew in his bottom lip, chewing it softly, then let it out with a pop. “Okay?”

He looked so confused, and Noah was just as confused inside, but he couldn’t stop staring at that slightly shiny lower lip. Before he knew it, he was covering it with his own, in a very sloppy, slightly off-centre kiss. It wasn’t graceful by any means, but it unlocked something inside Noah that he’d been trying for years to keep at bay. Now that he’d done it, he wasn’t sure why he’d been trying so hard to keep all that under wraps.

Dan pulled back, expression shocked and eyes wide and glassy. “Whoa. _Whoa_! What the hell just happened?”

“I kissed you.”

“Um. Yeah. I’m aware. _Why_ did you kiss me?”

“I wanted to.”

“Okay, you’re drunk. You get a pass because you’re drunk, but that’s not happening again”

“Why?” Noah pouted, already missing the sensation. “I’m single. You’re single. There’s no reason why we can’t.”

“Except for the fact that you’re straight and I’m not going down that path with you. You’re my friend. I don’t want to fuck that up by you suddenly going all weird on me because you wanted to try something you eventually decide isn’t for you.”

“Dan. Of all the people in my life, I think you’re the only one who has never really bought that I’m completely straight. You’ve known better. Don’t try and deny it.”

Dan’s eyes flashed and he stood, pacing around the room, fists clenched tightly. “Well, no shit. But, I also know that you have been very adamant for _years_ about how straight you are. You got married, you proclaimed it to magazines and on television interviews. I know exactly what kind of _straight guy_ you are. I’m very out, Noah. I’m not hiding shit, not even for you.”

Noah sat back, instantly pissed. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“It means exactly what it means. You’ve been too afraid most of your life to admit who you are. The only reason we’re still talking about this is because you’re completely plastered and just had your heart broken, but I swear to god, Noah, I’m not going to let you use me to feel better about yourself.”

“Well, why the hell not? It’s not like that I don’t know you’ve had a crush on me. Now’s your chance to finally do something about it.”

Dan reeled back like he’d been slapped. “Wow. Wow. Okay.” He laughed and ran his hands through his hair. “You’re being an asshole because I said no and that’s not a good look. You’re headed to Alberta tomorrow. I’ll call you an Uber in the morning to take you to the airport, but I think maybe it’s a good idea if we aren’t around each other right now. Sleep it off, Noah, but I won’t be around in the morning. Have a safe flight.”

He turned and left the apartment, slamming the door behind him.

Noah stared at the door and groaned. What the fuck had he just done?

\---

**_May 15 th_ **

Noah texted Dan before he got on the plane, telling him how sorry he was, how he didn’t mean what he’d said but he didn’t regret the kiss.

Dan didn’t answer.

\---

**_May 28 th_ **

Noah ached everywhere. Riding horses looked easier in the movies. In reality it was dirty, smelly, and made his balls hurt. He was already over it, and he had a month left of filming.

Tomorrow was his birthday and he didn’t have anything planned. No one to hang out with, no one to talk to. No one that mattered anyway. He was away from home, his (ex)wife was hiking somewhere on the West Coast, and the one person he most wanted to talk to still refused to answer a text message or phone call because Noah had blown up their friendship with one impulsive decision.

He entered the lobby of the hotel, just wanting to get to his room and take a shower, when the concierge stopped him.

“Mr. Reid? A letter came for you today.”

Noah took it from him and looked at the return address and postmark. It was from Clare, posted from some town in California he’d never heard of. He thanked the guy and headed toward the elevator, his stomach churning. He wasn’t sure he wanted to read it, but he knew he needed to.

He waited until he took a shower and had washed the grit of the day off his skin before he got into bed and slowly opened the envelope, pulling out the page of paper.

> Noah-
> 
> I debated writing you, but I figured I should. I know we left things in a weird place in that coffee shop, and I didn’t say a lot of the things I should have. I think my own head was still so muddled and messed up from everything that happened over the last year that I didn’t even know what to say.
> 
> But, if this trip has done anything, it’s cleared my head and proven to me that I’m stronger than I thought. And since I’m stronger, I realized that I probably should say some things to you that I’ve been too afraid to say.
> 
> First off- I don’t regret we got married, but you know as well as I do that we did it for the wrong reasons. No one should get married just because it’s the next logical thing to do. I don’t know why we didn’t see that at the time. It seems like such a weak, silly justification for a decision that affected our whole lives. I regret the reason behind it, but not that we did it. I don’t regret that we did it because it brought us here, to this place, and this place is better.
> 
> I know you think it’s not. Or you didn’t when we last saw each other. Maybe that’s changed since then for you, I don’t know. I hope it has, and that you’re not still hurting, but I promise, this is better.
> 
> It fucking sucks that we had to lose to much for me (and hopefully you) to see that. My life is forever, irrevocably changed. I know yours is too. But, out here in the middle of nowhere, when I look up into a dark night, so full of stars and quiet, I finally know that this is what matters. Knowing who I am and what I want. That’s what matters.
> 
> I can’t keep living my life for other people. Neither can you. I know you do because I know you, Noah. You do everything everyone expects of you and you never complain. You just go along with it because it makes everyone else happy, and you bury everything you want down so deep that you forget you want it.
> 
> So, I’m telling you right now to stop that. Just stop it.
> 
> Live your life. Do what makes you happy. Be with someone you can’t imagine not having in your life. I know that’s not me. That was never me. I just was a means to an easy end and I’m sorry my enthusiasm for our relationship pulled you along into something you didn’t necessarily want. So, I’m really sorry for that.
> 
> I hope one day (hopefully soon) you find someone that makes you light up. I hope I find that, too, but right now I’m just trying to make it through each day up here in the middle of nowhere.
> 
> It’s terrifying, and it’s hard, but it’s the best thing I’ve ever done.
> 
> So, that’s what I want for you, Noah. Go and do the best thing you’veever done, whatever that is. I think somewhere inside yourself, deep down, you already know what it is.
> 
> So go do it. I promise it will make all the difference.
> 
> I’ll always be your friend, and I’m really sorry I can’t be more than that anymore.
> 
> Take care of yourself.
> 
> -Clare
> 
> P.S. I hope this gets to you in time for your birthday, and I hope you do something fun. Don’t sit around in your hotel alone, moping. Be brave and go live your life. This is me giving you permission to go be brave and find happiness. That’s my birthday present to you. A lifetime of happiness, even if it’s not with me.

Noah set the letter down and wiped his eyes.

Right. Be brave. As if that had ever done him any good.

\---

**_May 29 th_ **

Noah’s birthday came and went phone calls from his parents, Julia, a random assortment of friends, but nothing from Dan.

Somewhere around midnight, Noah shot him a quick text, too miserable to let the silence go on.

**I’m sorry. I miss you. Please talk to me.**

He didn’t get a response.

\---

**_June 12 th_ **

The series shoot was coming close to an end, and the interview circuit had started. Noah was now juggling long days of shooting followed by evening and weekend press junkets, and he was exhausted. Lonely and exhausted. He just wanted to go back to his apartment in Toronto, try to clear out some of the memories still there, and then fall into a very, very long coma.

He felt like he was on auto-pilot, everything inside him numb and everything around him colourless. He knew his co-stars saw it, but they knew everything that had happened with his marriage, so they didn’t push him. The public knew it, too. Someone had leaked something, taken a picture of Clare on the trail, and the story broke. Most of it, anyway. The messy, painful bits, at least.

So, the public knew about the break-up, somehow they found out about the miscarriage (and Noah was really glad Clare was up in the middle of nowhere for the next few months and didn’t have to see the online chatter about _that_ ) and so every fucking interview he’d had lately had been full of sad-eyed interviewers offering their condolences and treating him with kid gloves.

He hated it.

One good thing, though. No one knew about Dan. He wasn’t about to admit that to anyone, so the only people who knew about what happened were the two of them, and he was certain Dan hadn’t told anyone. If anyone could keep their mouth shut, it was Dan, and Noah would forever be grateful _that_ story hadn’t broken.

He’d fucked up, big time. He’d made an ass of himself and hurt someone he genuinely cared about. A good person. The _best_ person. His best friend in the whole world. Fuck, Noah missed Clare and the life they’d had together and he probably always would, but missing Dan felt different. Sharper. Way more devastating and painful, which, that should have been a sign.

He’d been so used to him being there, through everything. Even when Noah knew how much Dan was hurting inside because of decisions Noah had made, Dan had always been there, just a phone call or text away. He’d drop everything if Noah needed him. Always.

But, now that security was gone, obliterated by a single, stupid kiss.

Only, it wasn’t stupid.

It had been _everything_ , and Noah had been too drunk and pissy to realize it at the time.

He realized it now, that much was certain. He realized a lot more than that. Only now it was too late to do anything about it.

He had an interview in an hour, and he needed to take a shower. It was just a Zoom thing, but he should at least try and make himself look presentable.

By the time he made it back to his computer, it was nearly time to log in and he hadn’t prepared at all. Shit, he hadn’t even grabbed a beer. Maybe that was for the best, though. He felt really out of sorts and sad today. Getting him in front of a camera like this with some alcohol in him? It could be disastrous.

One the interview started, he fell into his groove. He tried his best to be charming, even if he was exhausted and miserable on the inside. Then, the interviewer asked him a question. It was a simple question about _Schitt’s Creek_ (because no matter what he was working on, they always found a reason to bring the questions back to _Schitt’s Creek_ ). It was a question he’d answered before, and honestly, it should have been an easy answer.

“So, tell me what it was like to play such an iconic gay character as a straight man. There’s been a lot of discussion around casting straight people in gay roles. What’s your opinion on that?”

Noah paused, frozen for a second. He knew what he needed to say. The safe, pre-approved answer he’d always given to this question. But this time he couldn’t get the words out.

“Um.”

The interviewer watched him, obviously sensing blood. Her eyes sharpened. “Noah? Everything okay?”

He nodded and laughed. “Um. Wow. Lots of thoughts, actually.” He took a deep breath, Clare’s words bouncing around in his head- _Be brave, Noah. Be brave and find happiness_. “I don’t actually know if that particular debate applies to me, though. So I might not be the best person to ask.”

The interviewer’s eyes widened. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, I’m not a straight guy who was cast in a gay role. I’m just—” He took a deep breath ( _be brave_ ) and blew up the world as he knew it. It had already happened so many times this past year, what was one more? “Well, the thing is. I’m _not_ a straight guy, so….”

He didn’t really know what happened in the rest of the interview. Clearly the reporter ran with that nugget of information, her whole body language going giddy with the scoop she just landed, and Noah answered as many questions as he was willing to. He never once mentioned Dan. It wasn’t his place and he couldn’t do that to someone who already was mad at him. So, he tried to keep it all very vague until it was over. Then he shut his computer and avoided the internet for the rest of the night. He could only imagine the things that were probably flying around Twitter and Instagram.

His phone rang an hour later, Julia’s voice full of laughter on the other side of the line.

“Well, you really know how to make a splash, don’t you?”

Noah groaned. “How bad is it?”

“Do you really want to know?”

“No. I really don’t. But, how are people reacting? Are they disgusted with me?”

“What? No! Some people are shocked, but honestly I think the majority of the people who follow you always kind of suspected it? Even if they never wanted to admit it. Now that they’re free to, there’s a lot of people shouting that they always knew it.” She laughed. “As is often the case on the internet.”

“Oh. Of course.”

“So. How much of that admission has to do with Dan?”

“Fuck. Is it that obvious?”

“I mean, seems logical, but I also know you. What’s going on with you guys?”

“Nothing. He’s not talking to me. He hasn’t since I left LA.”

“What? Why not? You guys are so close.”

“I, uh. I kissed him. It didn’t go over well.”

Julia let out a surprised laugh. “You kissed him? Seriously? But, he likes you. He’s _always_ liked you. Why didn’t it go well?”

“Because I was drunk and then I was a complete asshole when he turned me down for very valid reasons.”

“Oh no. What did you do?”

“I told him I knew he’d always had a crush on me, so he should take his chance while he had it.”

“Noah!”

He groaned and ran his hands through his hair. “I know. I was a dick. I was drunk and frustrated, and I took it out on him. And I’ve apologised, but he won’t talk to me.”

“So, what was today about?”

“Because one of his reasons was that I was too afraid to admit what I was, and he wasn’t willing to stay hidden.”

“Well. You can’t blame him for that.”

“I don’t. I blame myself for all this.”

“Do you think the interview today will change anything?”

He sighed. “I don’t know. Probably not. But, he was right, and I miss my friend. Also, Clare wrote me a letter. I got it right before my birthday. She told me to be brave and find my happy. I don’t think she meant _this_ , but well, I decided to listen to her.”

Julia was quiet a minute. “I don’t think she’d be upset. If something were to happen. I mean, I know you guys are over and you can do whatever you want. So can she, but if something inside you is worried about how she’d react to you and him, don’t. I honestly think she’d be happy.”

“Well, that’s a stretch.”

“No, it’s really not. She loves both of you. I think she’d be thrilled. Because you’re right. She does want you to find your happy. Just like I know you want her to find hers.”

“I do,” he whispered, then paused. “Thank you for staying in my life.”

“Please. You’re not getting rid of me that easily. You’re still my brother.”

Noah sniffed into the phone and his eyes started to go blurry. “I should go. I have an early call tomorrow. Thanks for checking up on me. Let me know if it gets too crazy online about this. I’m gonna keep avoiding it until it blows over.”

“Good luck with that. Definitely don’t check Insta.”

“Good to know. Maybe I should uninstall.”

“Wouldn’t be a bad idea, not gonna lie.”

\---

**_June 26 th_ **

The day of series wrap was bittersweet. Noah was glad to be going home the next day, but also not really looking forward to being back in the apartment. There were too many memories to untangle and decide if he wanted to keep, and he’d been so busy with work that he hadn’t let himself really think about them. Being back in that place, when the last time he’d been there he’d been happy, well- that was a lot to take.

He kind of wanted to sell it and find something new. Maybe not in Toronto. There were too many memories there. Both of Clare and of Dan, and memories of both of them were pretty fucking painful.

The problem was, he had nowhere to go. He considered both Toronto and LA home, and both those places were irreversibly damaged for him.

Maybe it was time to find a new home. He just had no idea where that would be.

\---

**_June 30 th_ **

He’d only been home a few days but he already hated it. Julia had moved her stuff out, along with most of Clare’s things, storing them in a place she found nearby. Clare was planning on moving there once she got back in October, and Noah had been busy working with Julia on going through some of the stuff she was less sure about whose was whose.

It had become an exercise in pain.

Julia was supposed to have come by today, but she begged off at the last minute, so Noah was stuck in the basement, carefully packing things into his and hers boxes. It was weird, going through the last seven years of their life and compartmentalising it like this. It wasn’t natural, but it was something he had to do.

His doorbell rang and he sighed, dropping a photo album he had no idea how to separate, and heading up the stairs. He didn’t really want to visit with anyone, but he didn’t want to pack anymore today either. He went with the lesser of two evils and answered the door.

Dan stood there, looking sleepy, cranky, and a little dishevelled.

Noah stepped back in shock. “Dan? What are you doing here?”

“What does it look like I’m doing?” he snapped, then his expression softened. “Sorry. I’m just really tired. I just got off the flight from hell.”

“What? Flight from hell? You just landed? And you came here?”

Dan nodded. “Can I come in? I figured we needed to talk, and it didn’t seem right to do it over the phone.”

“Yeah, yes. Come in. Please.” He stood aside and motioned for him to enter. “Excuse the mess. I’ve been doing a lot of packing.”

Dan looked around. “I see that. Are you moving?”

Noah shrugged, then nodded. “Eventually, yeah. I just don’t know where yet. I can’t stay in Toronto. There’s too many memories here right now.”

Dan nodded. Kept nodding as he looked around. “Do you have any places that are on the short list?”

“Not yet.”

Dan turned to face him, his eyes intent. “What about LA?”

Noah braced his hand on the wall, his knees suddenly shaky. “There’s a lot of memories there, too.”

“But not bad ones, right?”

“I don’t know. You tell me? They were pretty bad up until about a minute ago.”

Dan watched him a minute. “Come back to LA. It’s not the same without you there. The house is too quiet.”

“You want me to stay with you? Really?”

“Of course I do,” he snapped, his expression going cranky again. “I saw your interview.”

“I assumed you had. I never heard from you, though.”

“I had a lot to think about. I’m here now.”

“And what does that mean, exactly?”

Dan shrugged. “I don’t know. We can figure it out as we go along. The guest house is still yours if you want it. We should probably go really slow, considering the events of this entire past year.”

Noah nodded. “We should, yeah.”

Dan chewed on his lip. “So, that’s something you’d be interested in? Staying with me? Figuring out what we are?”

“Yeah. But you’re my friend, first and foremost. I don’t want to fuck it up. Not again. I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you, too. I don’t want to fuck it up either. I just know I want you there with me.”

“Then I’m there.”

Dan smiled, his eyes warming up. “Well, then. Tell me what I can do to help you around here.”

\---

**_October 3 rd_ **

“Honey, calm down.” Dan took Noah’s face in both hands and pressed a kiss to his forehead. “It’s going to be fine.”

“How do you know? This could be a disaster.”

“Noah. We’ve both gotten letters from her. Julia has talked to her. It’s fine. She’s okay with this.”

“I know she’s said that. But, what if- what if she’s just saying that? What if she doesn’t really mean it?”

“She _does_. But, let’s just say she doesn’t? What if she hates the idea of us? What would that mean to you? Would that—would that change things for you? How you feel about me?”

“What? No! Of course not!”

“Well, okay then.” Dan’s smile was a soft and more than a little relieved. “It’s going to be fine. And if it’s not, then I’ll be here and we’ll get through it together.”

Noah laughed. “Cheap move, stealing lines from your own show.”

“We gotta do what we gotta do.” Dan kissed the top of his head. “Come on. Let’s go welcome her back into the real world.”

They walked, hand in hand toward the restaurant in BC where Clare wanted to meet up, his stomach still in knots.

He saw her before she saw them. Her hair was longer and a little blonder, probably from the sun, and she was more tan then he’d ever seen her. She looked good. Relaxed, more confident.

Then she turned and caught his eyes, a delighted smile overtaking her face. She opened her arms wide and squealed.

“My boys!”

Dan squeezed his hand and Noah let out a long sigh of relief.

Everything was going to be fine.

**Author's Note:**

> Possible TW’s- miscarriage/hysterectomy


End file.
